Private Confessions - Vol. #1

Private Confessions - Vol. #1 - 8/29/97

Draft Day Report Cards

Well, somebody had to do it. It might as well be yours truly. (Private not the Rhino. -ed.) Below, you will find a brief outline of each teams draft and their grade for a job well done, or their first step to becoming this year’s prom queen.

First, a pause for the cause, and a thank you to Honer's Hackers for sponsoring their last draft day party. Is fantasy football legal in PA.? We all ventured into "The Ring of Death" to pick our teams. Some people came away happy, but to coin a phrase from a Talking Heads song - some people probably said "My god, what have I done??" It should be noted that while the Part’s and THRAK convoyed up for the midnight run out of the ring, there were police cars with lights "a-glow" visible on the "33". The convoy deployed stealth technology to get the hell out of dodge....

On to the reviews.... We will not be grading kickers (hey, I only have so much time to put this trash out)

Bulimic Cannibals
The cannibals arrived on draft day with 300 pages of downloaded internet fantasy football literature for reference. Apparently, they were looking for that extra edge to put them over the top this year. Breaking away from tradition, the Cannibals opted to stay away from kickers until the later rounds. This, no doubt being the recommended strategy on page 183 of his reference material. Overall, this literature must have paid off because the Cannibals enjoyed one of the better rounded drafts. Jeff Blake will no doubt add some punch along with Robert Brooks and Terry Glenn. On page 268 of his internet material, there must have been a "hot tip" to go with the Arizona running game because the Cannibals picked up both of their running backs. Hey, the printed word is always the truth. Grade: B+

Bulimic Cannibals

The cannibals arrived on draft day with 300 pages of downloaded internet fantasy football literature for reference. Apparently, they were looking for that extra edge to put them over the top this year. Breaking away from tradition, the Cannibals opted to stay away from kickers until the later rounds. This, no doubt being the recommended strategy on page 183 of his reference material. Overall, this literature must have paid off because the Cannibals enjoyed one of the better rounded drafts. Jeff Blake will no doubt add some punch along with Robert Brooks and Terry Glenn. On page 268 of his internet material, there must have been a "hot tip" to go with the Arizona running game because the Cannibals picked up both of their running backs. Hey, the printed word is always the truth.

Grade: B+

Eager Beavers
Do I smell a prom queen nearby??? The Beavers make their maiden voyage into the SFFL this year. How much time they’ll spend behind the bleachers this year is anybody’s guess (is this why we had him sit behind the computer monitor for the draft? Just to prepare for the upcoming gang bang??) Well, you can’t call John Elway a Prom Queen, so that’s who the Beavers chose with their first pick. With Tony Banks as the backup, the Beavers come well "armed" to the league. But who are these other guy’s the Beavers selected?? Tim Brown And Shannon Sharpe will be strong, but the Beavers must have found his remaining players at the local Kwanza festival. Or, these were the studio musicians and backup singers for Paul Simon’s "Obvious Child" project. Rule #1: Marginal player’s will put up marginal stats. Rule #2: Never pick a kicker with you’re 3rd round choice. Well, the beavers are batting .500. Too bad were not playing baseball. In Elway we trust. Grade:D+

Eager Beavers

Do I smell a prom queen nearby??? The Beavers make their maiden voyage into the SFFL this year. How much time they’ll spend behind the bleachers this year is anybody’s guess (is this why we had him sit behind the computer monitor for the draft? Just to prepare for the upcoming gang bang??) Well, you can’t call John Elway a Prom Queen, so that’s who the Beavers chose with their first pick. With Tony Banks as the backup, the Beavers come well "armed" to the league. But who are these other guy’s the Beavers selected?? Tim Brown And Shannon Sharpe will be strong, but the Beavers must have found his remaining players at the local Kwanza festival. Or, these were the studio musicians and backup singers for Paul Simon’s "Obvious Child" project.

Rule #1: Marginal player’s will put up marginal stats. Rule #2: Never pick a kicker with you’re 3rd round choice. Well, the beavers are batting .500. Too bad were not playing baseball. In Elway we trust.

Grade:D+

Elephants
The Elephants went a different way with this years draft. They grabbed Mark Brunell in the later rounds and will use the new and improved Vinny Testaverde while the Jacksonville QB is on the mend. Whether the Elephant’s are happy with the rest of their picks is anyone’s guess. Terry Allen should be solid, but will he put up monster numbers again this year? The Elephants hope so. They are also hoping that "Driftwood" Marcus Allen still knows how to get those short yardage TD’s. With the release of his new tell-all book, it is possible that Al Davis might have him assassinated by week 3. If that happens, the running game might be sunk. Hopefully the Elephant Wide Receiving corps will make up for any running game shortcomings. Grade: C

Elephants

The Elephants went a different way with this years draft. They grabbed Mark Brunell in the later rounds and will use the new and improved Vinny Testaverde while the Jacksonville QB is on the mend. Whether the Elephant’s are happy with the rest of their picks is anyone’s guess. Terry Allen should be solid, but will he put up monster numbers again this year? The Elephants hope so.

They are also hoping that "Driftwood" Marcus Allen still knows how to get those short yardage TD’s. With the release of his new tell-all book, it is possible that Al Davis might have him assassinated by week 3. If that happens, the running game might be sunk. Hopefully the Elephant Wide Receiving corps will make up for any running game shortcomings.

Grade: C

Fighting Lounge Chairs
"It’s a long season, Charlie Brown". The Chairs continued the tradition of going with an AFC QB in the 1st round by grabbing Drew Bledsoe. This is probably a wiser choice than the ill advised "Dan Marino" fiasco last year. The Chairs must have been cheating at the draft table this year. They chose Adrian Murrell as their premium back. Rumor has it that this was one of the "hot tips" on page 256 of the Cannibal’s reference material. Hmmmmm, did the Chairs take a look at the tip sheet while the Cannibal’s were strapping on the feed bag for the pizza and wing’s??? One of the Part’s "anonymous sources" says it could be possible. If Murrell is a bust this season, we could be looking at another possible prom queen. Do you know where the bleachers are??? Grade: C-

Fighting Lounge Chairs

"It’s a long season, Charlie Brown". The Chairs continued the tradition of going with an AFC QB in the 1st round by grabbing Drew Bledsoe. This is probably a wiser choice than the ill advised "Dan Marino" fiasco last year. The Chairs must have been cheating at the draft table this year. They chose Adrian Murrell as their premium back. Rumor has it that this was one of the "hot tips" on page 256 of the Cannibal’s reference material. Hmmmmm, did the Chairs take a look at the tip sheet while the Cannibal’s were strapping on the feed bag for the pizza and wing’s??? One of the Part’s "anonymous sources" says it could be possible. If Murrell is a bust this season, we could be looking at another possible prom queen. Do you know where the bleachers are???

Grade: C-

Honer’s Hackers
As expected with the first pick overall, the Hackers picked the icon of fantasy football - Brett Favre. He’d better stay health, because as a backup the Hackers picked "Slash" Stewart. Hmmmmm. 20 picks later, the Hackers picked up Eddie George to run the ball with. But after that, where’s the beef?? At wide receiver, the Hackers appear fairly competent with the addition of Michael Jackson and Jake Reed. It should be noted that for a guy with the first pick overall - He sure did a lot of whining in the middle to late rounds. The Hacker’s accused numerous other teams of "taking his guy’s"!! Earth to Hacker’s: That’s what happens when you pick first. Deal with it!!! Grade: Favre A+, Remaining Hacker’s: C-

Honer’s Hackers

As expected with the first pick overall, the Hackers picked the icon of fantasy football - Brett Favre. He’d better stay health, because as a backup the Hackers picked "Slash" Stewart. Hmmmmm. 20 picks later, the Hackers picked up Eddie George to run the ball with. But after that, where’s the beef?? At wide receiver, the Hackers appear fairly competent with the addition of Michael Jackson and Jake Reed. It should be noted that for a guy with the first pick overall - He sure did a lot of whining in the middle to late rounds. The Hacker’s accused numerous other teams of "taking his guy’s"!! Earth to Hacker’s: That’s what happens when you pick first. Deal with it!!!

Grade: Favre A+, Remaining Hacker’s: C-

Invaders
The love affair with Scott Mitchell continues. What‘s up with these guy’s? They are inseparable. Obviously, the Invaders are looking to cash in on the "Drew Bledsoe Syndrome" - down one year, up the next. Hey, stranger things have happened. The Invaders choose to beef up the running game with the addition of Jerome Bettis and Emmitt Smith, just in case Mitchell decides he’s not ready to come out of hibernation again this year. Overall, it appears the Invaders look pretty tough on paper. Will they produce on the field?? Stay tuned.... Grade: A-

Invaders

The love affair with Scott Mitchell continues. What‘s up with these guy’s? They are inseparable. Obviously, the Invaders are looking to cash in on the "Drew Bledsoe Syndrome" - down one year, up the next. Hey, stranger things have happened. The Invaders choose to beef up the running game with the addition of Jerome Bettis and Emmitt Smith, just in case Mitchell decides he’s not ready to come out of hibernation again this year. Overall, it appears the Invaders look pretty tough on paper. Will they produce on the field?? Stay tuned....

Grade: A-

Millionaire Pond Scum
Well, the 2 time defending champs sat in the 6th position at the draft table this year. The same spot they grabbed Favre from last year. Either the rest of the league is catching up to the scum, or Barry Sanders is going to take his place in the Scum Pantheon beside Emmitt Smith, Brett Favre and Terry Allen. The Scum usually finds the diamonds, but this year they might be settling for Rubys and Larkspurs. A quick glance down the Scum roster does not look as foreboding as it did in past seasons. Perhaps the Scum aren’t as hungry as they once were. Additionally, the Scum are fearing collusion among the other teams with the implementation of several rule changes which are not sitting well with them. Only time will tell to see if this Scum team takes it’s place alongside the previous juggernauts they have fielded. Grade: C+

Millionaire Pond Scum

Well, the 2 time defending champs sat in the 6th position at the draft table this year. The same spot they grabbed Favre from last year. Either the rest of the league is catching up to the scum, or Barry Sanders is going to take his place in the Scum Pantheon beside Emmitt Smith, Brett Favre and Terry Allen. The Scum usually finds the diamonds, but this year they might be settling for Rubys and Larkspurs. A quick glance down the Scum roster does not look as foreboding as it did in past seasons. Perhaps the Scum aren’t as hungry as they once were. Additionally, the Scum are fearing collusion among the other teams with the implementation of several rule changes which are not sitting well with them. Only time will tell to see if this Scum team takes it’s place alongside the previous juggernauts they have fielded.

Grade: C+

Private's Parts
2 years ago, the Part’s selected Jeff Hostetler, the Raiders QB to guide his team. In the end, they wound up with Vince Evans playing the Part’s right out of a playoff birth. Apparently, history does repeat itself as the Part’s select Jeff George (Raider’s gun for hire) to man the helm this year. Other highlights for the Part’s this year included a weak attempt to grab the "all convict" status with the addition on Lawrence Phillips and Irving Fryer (of the "Let’s throw steak knives at each other honey"). These 2 will undoubtedly swap notes on how to deal "wit da bitches". The Part’s will rise or fall on the arm of George. Grade: B-

Private's Parts

2 years ago, the Part’s selected Jeff Hostetler, the Raiders QB to guide his team. In the end, they wound up with Vince Evans playing the Part’s right out of a playoff birth. Apparently, history does repeat itself as the Part’s select Jeff George (Raider’s gun for hire) to man the helm this year. Other highlights for the Part’s this year included a weak attempt to grab the "all convict" status with the addition on Lawrence Phillips and Irving Fryer (of the "Let’s throw steak knives at each other honey"). These 2 will undoubtedly swap notes on how to deal "wit da bitches". The Part’s will rise or fall on the arm of George.

Grade: B-

Rough RIders
The Riders grabbed some respectable players this year. Jerry Rice, Curtis Martin, and Antonio Freeman just to name a few. If Dan Marino has the kind of year that made him a "first rounder" in our league last year, the Riders might be a pretty tough crew to beat. The Riders are hoping Bam Morris will stay in the league long enough to contribute to their cause. But the smart money say’s he’ll be "hittin’ the pipe" by week 8. This could be the Riders breakout season Grade: B+

Rough RIders

The Riders grabbed some respectable players this year. Jerry Rice, Curtis Martin, and Antonio Freeman just to name a few. If Dan Marino has the kind of year that made him a "first rounder" in our league last year, the Riders might be a pretty tough crew to beat. The Riders are hoping Bam Morris will stay in the league long enough to contribute to their cause. But the smart money say’s he’ll be "hittin’ the pipe" by week 8. This could be the Riders breakout season

Grade: B+

THRAK
The THRAK boy’s had to wait at the end of the line to grab their picks this year. But good things come to those who wait. So, THRAK grabbed the services of Carl Pickens. Winning in the SFFL is all about producing. Pickens does just that.Greg Hill is projected to have a breakout year, which would suit THRAK just fine, but might not sit to well with the Elephants (who chose to go with the Driftwood instead). As for Abdul-Jabbar, I really can’t comment because I hate Miami and all things Jimmy Johnson related, so anything I add would be really biased. But I hope he breaks a leg early in the season anyway. The big question mark for THRAK will probably be at the QB position. Is Brad Johnson ready to be "the man"? THRAK is counting on it. At wide receiver depth, THRAK grabbed Jonnie Morton and Frank Sanders with late picks, this should give them some stability at the position. Let the games begin... Grade: B

THRAK

The THRAK boy’s had to wait at the end of the line to grab their picks this year. But good things come to those who wait. So, THRAK grabbed the services of Carl Pickens. Winning in the SFFL is all about producing. Pickens does just that.Greg Hill is projected to have a breakout year, which would suit THRAK just fine, but might not sit to well with the Elephants (who chose to go with the Driftwood instead). As for Abdul-Jabbar, I really can’t comment because I hate Miami and all things Jimmy Johnson related, so anything I add would be really biased. But I hope he breaks a leg early in the season anyway. The big question mark for THRAK will probably be at the QB position. Is Brad Johnson ready to be "the man"? THRAK is counting on it. At wide receiver depth, THRAK grabbed Jonnie Morton and Frank Sanders with late picks, this should give them some stability at the position. Let the games begin...

Grade: B